Sarcasm Central

Vampires be Chillin’ at My House

FBF Funny Blog Friday Ladies Night Kaboom Pics

This week it’s LADIES NIGHT!! Be sure to visit the other FBF bloggers (their links are at the bottom of the post)!

At my house, we’ve got a serious domestic vampire problem. It’s getting really bad because the cats are hanging out with them in the yard, chillaxin’ in the long grass, hanging out under a bush, reclining by a tree and then bringing their new friends inside to play. The vampires are like, “Hey, what’s up cat? Let’s hang out!” and the cats are like…”Hey!! As I run by, feel free to jump aboard and take a trip inside the house where the feasting on tender human flesh will be epic!” My cats are vampire conveyances. My cats are vampire-taxis. I think they have some kind of deal worked out.  I’m not sure what the cats are getting out of it, but they’re getting something.

These vampires are not sparkling or adorable, they are black as death and like to bury their heads in your innocent flesh. How disgusting is that?  There’s nothing sexy about their undead existence. There’s nothing hot about their bloated blood filled bodies. Why my cats would want to hang with them, is beyond me.

So when I come in the house, there they all are hanging out on the couch together, relaxin’. The cats are cleaning themselves, rolling around like lazy bastards and the vampires are hanging next to them, waving their arms around like it’s a fucking dub step rave, having a great damn time.  ON MY COUCH!!  Waiting for me to come home and sit down beside them!  I am totally racist, sexist and every other -ist against vampires!  I don’t want those bloody bastards in my house on my couch, enjoying its comfort! And being BFF’s with my cats?  I don’t fucking think so! Back the fuck up Vampires! Step off! You aren’t welcome here, trying to be all cool with my cats!

HOLY SHIT!! Look at that Bro-ed out cat!! He’s so BRO!!!

Vampires, as you might have guessed are disgusting little blood sucking ticks that are running rampant in my literal neck of the woods.  It seems like every damn day there are blood sucking vampires inside my house, hanging out on the couch, crawling on my pants and hands, in bed with me at night scooting up my body, trying for all they’re worth to suck my delicious life blood. I mean…I know I’m sexy and I know my blood is the best, but please, this isn’t cool.  Nature, cut the shit, ASAP.

The scary thing about vampire ticks is that they carry nasty diseases that can literally desiccate your body. So that’s pretty neato. It sort of is like the vampires of old who would suck all your life blood out…these vampires do it via diseases on an epidemic level like AIDS. So the fact that they’re all over my house, myself and my cats is pretty exciting to me. I honestly can’t stop feeling itchy, happy, lucky and blessed. I literally do a nice little dance when I see them on the couch.  We be ravin’.

The other night, one was hanging out in my hair in the middle of the night trying to get his rocks off. This was uncool. Another time 2 were competing in a race for ownership of my sweet delish neck meat, their little hands ALL OVER ME. It was a rape attempt. Two of them recently have tried to feed from Mr. VS.  He’s pretty tasty, but really?

I swear to God that there are more ticks now than I have ever seen in my life and they are pissing me off in a major way.  How can I be hyper vigilant?! The naked tick check is now an everyday occurrence.  It’s not even sexy anymore and the bed at night is no longer a safe vampire-free haven, despite the fact that the cats and their blood thirsty friends are not allowed in our room and yes, they do try to get in. They know that’s where the magic happens. The bad thing is that these little vampires also enjoy climbing up clothing, so you might not feel their little hands of death right away. However, as soon as they touch skin, I’m on the little bastards!

And don’t tell me about the damn Frontline.  I already use that vampire deterrent and it doesn’t do shit.  It kills them if they decide to betray the cats by suckling upon their blood, but it does nothing about the hitchhikers who thumbed a ride with the cats into the house. Also of course, I feel free to pick up my own hitchikers whenever I’m working in the yard. I remember that one time I read this article about how this woman got the Lyme and she decided she’d never go in the woods again.  Welp, that’s not really an option when you live in the freaking woods.

I just want to kill them all, without spraying chemicals all over my land, which isn’t even really an option since we have so much land and the cats roam where they wish and find friends everywhere.  Goddamn their friendliness! I wish a stake to the chest was all it took to murder these little vampire jerks, but unfortunately they have these hard little shells that make them very difficult to murder. I think they may have turtle-power. You know, anti-heroes in the half-shell. Damn you turtle power!

I’m considering setting up a torture tick jar to keep them in.  It might make a nice tick bomb if someone tries to storm my house. Try it burglers and get a jar filled with ticks to the torso! The shards of glass will only be 45% of your problems. HAHA!!


The Vampires have declared that you will visit the other FBF bloggers.  DO IT!!

Alanna of White Girls Be Like…

Jamie of Fits of Wit

Jessie of Jessie Reyna

Jenn of Properly Ridiculous

Gina of Endearingly Wacko

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

8 Comments on Vampires be Chillin’ at My House

  1. “The other night, one was hanging out in my hair in the middle of the night trying to get his rocks off.”
    OMG. This made me imagine a tick masturbating and now I’m done for the day.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Hahaha, oh man, I’m so glad you cleared that up because I was sitting here picturing actual vampires hanging out with your cats for the beginning of that post

    Liked by 2 people

    • Wouldn’t it be pretty dope though if my cats were hanging out with like Count Dracula or something on my couch when I got home? I’d probably drop dead of surprise but when I came to, we’d have some adult beverages and pet the cats together. Good times!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh man, I’m trying to think of something supportive to say like, “Um, at least it’s not bedbugs” then I was like, “Oh shit, what if I end up jinxing her and she gets ticks AND bedbugs?”. At that point it would just be best to concede defeat to the little f*ckers and move out. Or burn the house down. Also, I need to find out where you live so that I NEVER EVER GO THERE!

    Liked by 1 person

    • HA!! Yes the ticks are nasty little buggers. They aren’t so bad in areas that are city-ish or even town-ish…but I live in the country…so they are pretty insane here, especially in the spring. Try…New England area. Don’t visit! the tourist agencies are gonna have my head. Opps!


  4. Jessie Reyna // June 12, 2015 at 10:36 am // Reply

    “Try it burglers and get a jar filled with ticks to the torso!” That is a terrifying tactic, but very useful. They’ll tell the other burglars, “Don’t try to steal their shit! She cray!”

    Liked by 2 people

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