People the world over have fallen hard for the skinny jean trend (Jean or jeans, plural or not? Who the hell knows?). For those not in the know or who love ridiculous and exaggerated descriptions, a skinny jean is a jean that is skin tight, not unlike the notorious and nefarious pajama jean (see reference below). These so called “skinny” jeans have nothing whatsoever to do with whether or not the person wearing them is actually skinny. Skinny refers to the fact that the legs on said jeans are only roughly 3 inches in diameter at any given point and taper to about a 1/4 inch.
These jeans remind me of the days of the tapered and oft tight-rolled jean (Lookin’ at you kid: the 1980’s!), but now they’ve changed the name to something that seems to purport you will be skinny when wearing said jeans. This name change and re-branding effort was necessary so people wouldn’t go running in horror at the thought of reliving the 80’s.
Friends, this trend is sad indeed, as those with appendages more than 3 inches in diameter must coax and convince their legs to inhabit the jeans, resulting in unsightly bulging. And those with actual 3 inch thighs will be inadvertently advertising their appendage’s breakability and delicate status.
Really, what’s next? A new and revamped stirrup pant or perhaps a new MC Hammer-related fashion disaster a la parachute pants with a new snazzy name? The kids these days clearly don’t know anything about the past or they’d see repackaged 80’s fashion coming at them from a mile away and run screaming in the other direction.
Not Everyone Can Join the Club:
It is my firm belief that not everyone can wear a skinny jean, however this doesn’t stop most people from attempting to go “on trend.” It’s a travesty of fashion what we’re doing to our poor appendages. The blood basically ceases to circulate and digestion is much hampered. It’s actually made national news that the skinny jean can and will kill you. The Skinny Jean is blood thirsty. It will claim bodies and is trying to up its body count, every day, with every sale.
There are 2 kinds of skinny jeans, the male version and the female version. One might imagine, wrongly so, that this heinous trend would affect only one sex, but this is false. This trend has taken hold much as the short short short shorts trend took hold for both men and ladies in the 1970’s. Say hello to your little friend Magnum P.I. who I am sure wouldn’t be caught dead in such tight short short shorts today. Ladies, at least Magnum cut a nice leg, unlike many legs I see these days.
Unfortunate Styling: The Males
If you do not have shapely legs like our friend Mr. Magnum, the skinny jean will only emphasizes what you lack in the leg department. Therefore, if you have painfully skinny legs to begin with, you’ll be showing off those skinny easily breakable, bendable, moldable twigs to their full disadvantage (I wanted to go full Shell Silverstein on you guys but I refrained). If you have chubby legs, those too will be shown as they strain to inhabit a volume much too small. Ratios here are off. Science is having a fit. Didn’t you people learn about volume in High School?
Secondly, I’ve seen guys with thighs that rival my calves. Perhaps everyone should love what they’re working with but I gotta say, that I prefer chicken legs under wraps (this sounds vaguely food-related. Yes your chicken legs in skinny jeans are making me hungry for a wrap). Young guys, I know your shapely legs have yet to develop themselves to Magnum levels, so please, I beg of you, keep those legs to thyself by wearing a jean that does not mold quite so much or perhaps taking up a kilt trend, minus any hurricane level winds.
I’m sorry (not sorry)! It’s true! Also, clearly you have no ass either if your legs are 3 inches in diamter. The sad sad jeans look sadly saggy in that back area and sadly tight yet unfilled and saggy in others. This would seem to be an offense to physics.
Unfortunate Styling: The Ladies
And then there are the ladies. I feel bad writing this as I am sure someone is dying to take offense but I’ll have it be known that I am one of the ladies who cannot sport a skinny jean. I’ll admit it. They look horrid on me. Very unflattering. The skinny part is not in my
jeans genes. I’m not overly large, however the Gods above have blessed me with thighs, booty as well as hips that do go on. (Go on!) HAHAHA. They just won’t QUIT!
The skinny jean makes me look like an upside down pyramid or ponzi scheme except without the nicely straight mathematical edges. (Yes they took my money, yes I was duped). My edges are a lot more…wavy? That’s the nice way of saying, bulbous? Or chubby? Or…rounded rotunda? The skinny jean makes me look top heavy and as though my ankles are tiny twigs that are struggling to support the weight/girth above. Again, HA!!! And my ankles really are not great ankles, they tend to give-way at the slightest provocation. A slight incline…don’t mind if we do…fall down. A grate on the street? Let’s let Victoria down, but not gently. One time my ankles let me down in a grate and I ended up with a bloody knee. But I didn’t let it stop me. I partied anyway. Screw you ankles!
So guys, ahem I mean ladies, the skinny jean is not an attractive look for me or others with bodies like mine. The balance of the body is all off. It’s amazing my ankles don’t actually snap under the pressure. Basically it’s a reverse problem than the young men are having. Their entire legs are dainty, whereas my legs have dainty ankles that can’t handle the truth of my thighs and hips.
On another note, there are girls who can pull off a nice skinny jean. I’m talking to you Taylor Swift. I’m talking to you, runway models. Girls, you can do it. Those of us sisters who are pear, apple or hourglass shaped, we can’t make the skinny jean work, although this hasn’t stopped many a 20-something from flaunting an unfortunate skinny jean disaster anyway. I’m just saying, ladies, they’re doing you no favors…so why?
This might sound like I’m an old lady, but the bootcut jeans of yesteryear were the ideal for a lady who sports a bit of cushion for the…well you get the idea. The artistic balance, i.e aesthetic, which as we know, is all important, is met with the bootcut. The skinny jean breaks all laws of art and graphic design. Therefore, it cannot stand, ahaha…literally. The only thing that saves a skinny jean on a girl with a bootay is some kind of knee high boots. But then we all walk around looking like we’re equestrians. Is this the 18th century? Where are our riding habits?? Where are our crops and side saddles? I almost want to sport this look so I can carry around a crop at all times as part of my costume.
Leggings Are Not Pants, No Matter How Hard You Wish on a One Direction Star:
One final thing to mention is the…leggings and yoga pants trend. I’m all for yoga pants and comfort, but alas I’ve seen far too many ladies sporting leggings (which are thinner and more see-through than yoga pants) as if they were pants. I’ve seen tunics and skirts that were micro in the extreme, leaving said person’s nether regions exposed. Yes we can see your underwear. Yes we can see EVERY single bump, bulge and curve etc.
Ladies, leggings aren’t pants and acting like they are is doing you no favors. Plus you’re distracting the boys. Their oggling has reached a critical level. As an aside, I’m not sure how guys are actual productive useful members of society, when their eyes are never still but must always be scanning for some female form to oggle silly. Really, why do we ladies allow these men to run businesses and countries? Their minds are sadly not in the game.
Consider Pleasing Proportions When Choosing to Accept a Trend into Your Heart:
In closing, please, please consider pleasing proportions when making a decision to take up a trend. You don’t have to jump on every style band wagon. And don’t give me this crap about how everyone should be able to wear everything because we love our bodies, blah blah blah. I love my body too, but I’m not gonna force my thighs to habitate a volume that is clearly too small for them and then create an aesthetic that is less than pleasing. Dress for your body type, as all those fashion-related-helping-out-the-disasters-among-us-shows, usually state.
Listen people, if less than 25% of the population can make a skinny jean work, then 75% of us look terrible. Why should 75% of people look bad, just so that 25% can look good. Does this seem right to you? The math (and yes I suck at math) seems off. I can at least tell when the math seems off. It’s off, right? Plus, color me offended. I’m jumping on that bandwagon too. Fashion, you have offended me with little to no choice except the unflattering skinniest of skinny jeans. You have discriminated against my thighs and I denounce you, forthwith and with haste.
Put it this way, if skinny jeans do you no justice, which for many of us, this is the case, then technically, in a court of law, skinny jeans be guilty. Wrap your head around that excellent logic and beware next time you go shopping. The skinny jean will try to kill you and make you look ridiculous. Wear with care, my friends, wear with care.