Sarcasm Central

Thieves with Ladders

I’ve always had a more than healthy dose of “stranger danger.” So locking doors is a favorite past time, as well as worrying, fruitlessly, about the “bad guys” and how surely they’re coming for me. Call me Negative Nancy, I’ll answer in the affirmative, call me Worrying Wendy, I’ll say, hey wassup? Call me Paranoid Patsy and I’ll say, who, where, OMG he looked at me funny!! RUN AWAY!! Basically I’m your typical slightly OCD worst-case-scenario imminent-danger fear-monger. It’s a pretty good time. Ask Mr. VS.

What is it? Must be a burglar he's wearing a mask. (2 cats sit watching a raccoon)Case in point, when Mr. VS and I moved into our new house, which happens to reside in the woods, I was of course wary of thieves and murderers. Backwoods ya’know? It can be scarier than the city. The stranger danger was VERY real, in my mind that is.  Poor Mr. VS has found himself to be very annoyed at me because when he’d leave the house with me inside, purposely unlocked, he’d come back to locked doors and he’d have to get out his key or knock and knock and I wouldn’t hear him because I’d be cleaning with my headphones on. This is typically when his yelling would commence and I’d finally hear and not want to answer the door because who was this psycho banging on the door and yelling!?  Probably some kind of scary murderer bent on causing me severe physical bodily harm. Then I’d quickly run up the stairs and hide in a closet.

One time in the morning when it was still dark and I was getting ready for work at some ungodly hour, I was showering on the second floor and Mr. VS had forgotten his key and he pounded on the outside door and yelled and hollered himself into a fit and I thought surely I was about to die while at my most vulnerable. Mr. VS really likes to validate my fears. Thanks Mr. VS!!

So yes hiding is my typical MO when anyone drives up to the house. Just don’t drive up to my house unannounced or uninvited. I won’t answer because WHY ARE YOU COMING TO MY HOUSE? I will cower in the closet until you go away, so please, save yourself the time, energy and frustration. One time when we first moved in some strange guy came up to the house and knocked on the door and I was hip-hopping away quick as a bunny because HELL no am I answering the damn door to some weird strange guy when I’m at home alone. NO!! YOU CAN’T GET ME!!

I’m also notoriously worried about leaving windows open in second floor rooms we aren’t residing in during the night.  I told Mr. VS that the thieves were sure to break into the house and either A: Murder us in our beds or B: steal all our good stuff. Of course Mr. VS thinks I’m full of it.  He said, how are the thieves going to get inside? I said, 3 words: Thieves with Ladders. Mr. VS of course laughed at me, as he does when I’m being completely reasonable and he’s being completely unreasonable. He said to me: It’s not often that you see thieves walking around with ladders.  I said: they put them on top of their trucks!!! YES THEY DO!! These are pretty quick customers we’re talking about! They have it down to a science!!

Mr. VS being the really nice guy that he is, attempted to put my mind at ease by telling me that if thieves or murderers wanted to get into our house there are FAR easier ways for them to get in. They could kick in the door with its flimsy cheap lock, or break some glass and open the door, or break a window and climb inside. Easy-peasy. This of course made me relax and accept the situation. NOT! (remember when we said this in the 90’s? Sweet 90’s flashback)

Basically what Mr. VS has taught me is that the only reason we’re not dead or had all our good stuff stolen is some kind of “odds.”  The thieves have not yet discovered our house. We’re not on their radar yet.  So far we’ve been “lucky.” But it’s only a matter of time before they find us!! It’s only a matter of time before they scope out our residence and discover our good stuff and our precious alive bodies that surely need to be murdered ASAP! And the news isn’t helping matters! Have you seen all the murder going on out there?!  I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP!

Man climbing step ladder in thief costume.

LOOK! The stock photo folks have thought of this already! Thieves with step ladders! It’s REAL!!!

Now that it’s summer again, Mr. VS has been telling me that we have to leave the windows open on the first floor while we’re sleeping on the second floor so the house will cool down at night (newsflash, we don’t have AC).  I’m not exactly comfortable with this idea. After all, what about the thieves with STEP ladders or STEP stools? Surely these thieves exist in the world with all their sneaky trickery and will come inside and murder us in our beds at night or at the very least steal our valuables. (Seriously, what valuables? Like honestly we really don’t have anything that great, except the cats and Mr. VS would claim his hoarding stuff i.e. tools etc. is good stuff. Thieves don’t even want that stuff! They had the yard sale where Mr. VS bought it!! Also if a cat thief wanted the Gentleman or Bitey, they could easily lure them away while they’re playing outside. But I’m really hoping this doesn’t happen and if it does, I hope Bitey does his work and does it well. He’s not named Bitey for nothing, thieves!)

Crazy cat lady aside, due to leaving all the windows open at night we are thus vulnerable to the thieves and murderers with or without ladders, so I’ve been having these weird dreams where I’m lying in bed, just like I REALLY AM!! And in the dream someone comes into our room and then I wake up and I really am in bed and I’m terrified of every shadow in the room, especially as I’m blind as a bat without my glasses.  The thieves are HERE!! AHH!!  Which makes it extremely handy that I keep a huge framing hammer under the bed for my personal protection. I do like to be prepared for any and all construction related emergencies in the dead of night. I’m not saying I’d use it for nefarious purposes on some nasty intruder, but you can glean what you will from the above sentences. Mr. VS on the other hand thinks he can scare thieves away with his laughter because that’s what he uses on me when he sees that I’ve put a framing hammer under the bed. Shaming don’t work in this house folks that hammer is still right under the bed. Laugh it up Mr. VS, laugh it up big guy.

There have been other dreams as well, for example I’ll dream I’m lying in bed and then I’ll hear footsteps downstairs and when I wake up with a start, I’ll lay there and listen really close to make sure there aren’t actually thief footsteps in our house. These thieves are very sneaky. They could be making off with the TV while we lay dreaming about their footsteps!! I’m telling you!! It’s TRUE!

The other day though, Mr. VS did the unthinkable. He was using a ladder outside while working on our porch and then when he was done, he left it outside laying against the house!  I told him, well, now the thieves don’t even have to bring their own ladder! You just provided it for them!! You gave them a goddamned handout!! For a while the ladder was even standing up near the house in its A shape.  Mr. VS is basically sending the thieves a greeting card with a photo of a ladder or maybe as an e-vitation to come on over and take whatever they want! We’re open for business! We have the ladders you want to use!! You can even take it home when you’re finished!

Framing HammerWhat I need now, is for Mr. VS to install all the security measures known to man. But not those electronic ones where your house can become a smart house, because imagine the hostage possibilities! They say your house can be hacked. What if suddenly all your lights were controlled by someone else, or your door locks or heating stystem etc.…that’s like combining all kinds of freaky stuff together and I’m not into that.  Think of the dreams I’d have to have if we had one of those systems!! But Mr. VS tells me that a deadbolt is basically useless because Myth Buster’s told him so.  Plus even if you have a deadbolt, you still have windows which can easily be broken.

So…I guess best case scenario is that you hope to fly under the radar of the thieves with ladders, but who can really depend on luck? My luck sucks! Or you remove all your windows, install a very thick metal door with 17 deadbolts and live in a dark cold box all by yourself, shivering in fear.  It’d be sort of like when I’m hanging out in the closet with my framing hammer hoping the people in the driveway will just LEAVE, (please!) because I have some very important framing to do in the closet and you’re distracting me. You people are basically terrorizing the crazy people who live here, so please, be humane and drive away slowly so I don’t have to use this hammer to frame a wall. Whatever you do, do not get out, do not untie your ladder. I don’t need any help. Just drive away.

Readers, I ask you, why the hell are my fears both amplified and solved with construction related items like framing hammers and ladders? It’s like I built my own house or something and have weird hangups with tools. Hmmmm. What can I say? I’m a weirdo. And that whole house building thing…it’s a story for another day. But yes, I did build my own house. And yes I used a ladder many times and actually come to think of it…I stole Mr. VS’s framing hammer and put it under the bed when he was away on a trip. Don’t tell him, there’s a thief in his midst!!

Maybe best case scenario is that I take up thievery myself. I have all the necessary tools at hand. I could collect cats through cat burglary too. Hmmmm. Hold that thought…I’ve got some planning to do….

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

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