Sarcasm Central

Satan’s Girlfriend: It’s Getting Fiery Up in Here

I don’t know how many of you weak little humanoid types have noticed that it’s getting a bit fiery up in Earth’s grill. It’s summer, so yeah, it makes sense as far as the ubiquitous summer words: hot and grill are concerned, however have you noticed that there are dire predictions of despair involving wild fires, earthquakes, drought and hot hot hot temps?! Peeps, as Satan’s Girlfriend, I’m here to tell you, the end of days are nigh!  MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Ha…*coughs like a smoker*

Victoria Sawyer with horns

Look at Satan’s Girlfriend’s Resting Bitch Face! EPIC!

You’d be surprised at how low my own personal tolerance is for the heat, considering that I’m Satan’s #1 Girlfriend (I think we’re doing a show soon, something like The Girl’s Next Door but more along the lines of The Girl’s from Hell or The Girl’s Down Under, Not to Be Confused with Satan’s adoring Australian peeps). I actually don’t mind the heat so much as the humidity. In Hell it’s a very dry heat, but up here it’s pretty nasty and wet feeling. Uggg, how do you people live this way? Oh yeah…you cranky up the AC which in turn results in…no…not climate change…just playing into old Satan’s dry cracked hands.

Anyway, that was beside the point.  The point is that all you Climate Change Deniers can firmly lay your skepticism to the side because Satan via his girlfriend AKA his exquisite loud-mouthpiece is here to say that he’s behind the whole damn thing. Surprise, surprise!

So just as you know about Satan and his evil ways, now you can believe that he’s behind the fiery blistering burning shit we’ll be working with in the nearish future. I’ve gotta say, despite my relationship with the Big Guy, I’m not real thrilled about this whole “warming” Earth scenario. I mean I like the tropics and all and you can’t really say no to an all expenses paid all-inclusive never-ending Caribbean vacation, but still, hot ALL the time? Eh? I feel like that’d get old fast. It’s not like I haven’t tried to stop him for your measly sake…I’ve tried telling him to stop giving money to fossil fuel producers, SUV/Truck manufacturers and power plants but he just cackles gleefully and declares that this is his next big coup against his ultimate foe, humanity (which by the way is really turning out to be a sad pathetic foe).

It’s funny because this idea of Satan being at fault for climate change has NEVER come up! I’ve never heard it. He’s been totally flying under the radar. People’ll blame the other side, blame scientists, say it’s natural and not our fault, claim it’s a hoax, but not once has anyone said…this is SATAN’s WORK and WE MUST STOP HIM!! Man, you people are clueless, you are LETTING HIM WIN!! Even the religious folks are not making this case. WTH is going on?

Besides, who else is a better scapegoat than Satan? I mean, if you don’t want to blame your own activity and feel uncomfortable about changing your cushy life style for something stupid like humanity’s existence or in fact the existence of all sentient beings on earth, WHY not blame him? It just seems like the go-to thing to do because hell, he’s been blamed for worse before.  Afterall destroying humanity through creative means is his fucking MO.

But alas, no one seems to want to start the blame game or point fingers.  Satan is understandably hurt that you guys are refusing to give him any damn credit for something he’s put a lot of time and effort into. He’s been whining to me all the time lately that he can’t seem to get no respect and I gotta say, I’m getting sick of hearing it. Everyone is damn clueless that he’s even in the Climate Change game. They’re too busy pointing fingers elsewhere and Satan’s all like…What the fuck about me?! I’m the goddamned prince of darkness, literally, DAMMIT! And I live in a fiery hell-hole, so WHY wouldn’t I want to expand my domain to encompass ALL OF THE EARTH by using humanity against itself? It’s the PERFECT fucking PLAN!! I’m a goddamned genius and these people refuse to even give me the slightest credit for my amazing dedication and planning abilities. I’m the CEO of awesomeness!! He finally complained enough that I was like fuck it…I gotta put out a PSA so he’ll get some credit and STFU.

Proof of Global Warming, changing styles of underware on clothes line

Proof of Climate Change and yes, Satan’s influence on popular culture.

And so my darling yet weak and not too bright humans our little friend Satan, he who refuses to provide an HMO for his girlfriends, has the perfect storm brewing against humanity. In no time flat we’ll be playing Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” for oh probably the next few hundred or hundred thousand or …I don’t know, some shit ton of years.

That is hell peeps, hell on earth!! Get ready!! As Nelly says: It’s getting hot in herre! Take off all your clothes!! Which is exactly what Satan wants to see happening.  The hell-orgy is about to begin, coupled with some torturous starvation, lack of fresh water, super storms, death in all kinds of fun forms etc. It’s gonna be good times, we’ll celebrate.  So…Buckle down, Satan’s day is about to come!!

And please, can you guys pony up just an ounce of respect for the Big S guy? He’d really appreciate having a worthy adversary to destroy…and since you people are doing nothing, you’ve made it far too easy and he’s losing respect for you. Plus I think he’s getting a bit petulant and bored. Why do that to Satan? Why do that to yourself? Don’t you want to keep him engaged by giving this fight your all? Give him a run for his money? Try to save yourselves? Maybe? Put at least a tiny ounce of your tremendous and ridiculous misspent energy into this fight? No? Maybe?

Hey, just thought I’d ask. I’m good either way. But I do like to see a nice college try, so please guys, get your damn act together. You’re really beginning to look pathetic and disorganized (not my words, his). Plus if you do manage to get your act together, it’ll be better than pay-per-view. Fight o’ the century and all. Can you please help me out? There’s nothing else on TV worth watching.

More Satan’s Girlfriend:  At the Office

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About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

3 Comments on Satan’s Girlfriend: It’s Getting Fiery Up in Here

  1. Yeah scientists, get it together. You know it Satan and his girlfriend that are cooking this place, not science.

    Liked by 1 person

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