Sarcasm Central

The Evil Glowing Machine

And then the elders spake: you will sacrifice your virgins and your children to its hungry glowing maw. Photo of smart phone.The last few days I’ve been getting a headache at work while staring at my computer. This is getting really annoying. I’ve found that staring at the computer makes my eyes hurt because it’s glowing with an evil florescent light.  When I stop looking at the sparkly bright screen and start looking elsewhere at things that don’t glow, such as real life objects, my eyes are like…YES!! YES!!! YES!! My eyes are verging on an orgasm whenever they look at any non-glowing real life solid environment. My eyes even like looking at boring shit like cubicle walls or hideous carpet and they really like nature colors. Weeee! So pretty!! And then they scream in pain and agony when forced to look upon the glowing countenance of my computer screen, phone or tablet.

I don’t think it’s very natural to stare at the Evil Glowing Machine all day long. It’s an aberration. It’s WRONG!! It’s against nature to ask someone to sit down for 8 hours straight and stare at an Evil Glowing Machine that makes their eyes burn, their head throb dully and their body desiccate from the inside out. It’s a crime against humanity to expect that I can submit to this kind of treatment and then drive myself home at the end of the day. It is a relief to be away from the Glowing Machine but…the headache has already been planted and is taking root as I encounter enraging traffic and anger-inducing traffic lights and is at full bloom just in time for me to get home. It’s a beautiful flower of pain inside my head!! So pretty!!!

I think this might be why, on the weekends, it’s so hard for me to turn on my computer at home. I cringe from the idea and can’t imagine actually turning on that Evil Glowing Machine and starting into it’s unloving, uncaring dead headlight. I mean I do it, but it’s really really hard and I can go hours dilly dalling at something else.  I don’t want to obey my evil electronic master! The evil being who proclaims that if I want that blog post to actually go somewhere or have someone read it… I have to get it out of my head and into the glow-box of death. I must OBEY!!

The thing is…what do you do when your entire job is staring at the Evil Glowing Machine? You can’t exactly walk away. You can’t say, I’m done staring at this machine for the rest of the day.  This machine is devouring my soul. This machine is plucking my eyeballs from their sockets. This machine is , literally, reaching out with cold lifeless fingers of light to pinch my forehead in ceaseless agony. Apparently these aren’t things you can actually say to your boss. BUT WHY NOT?  I think it’s like a human rights violation that some jobs require unending devotion and worship of glowing idols. It’s AGAINST MY RELIGION!! I need accommodations!!

The problem is that my job leaves me with nothing to do without the Evil Glowing Machine. So when the power goes out, which it occasionally does, I’m sitting there twiddling my thumbs because my entire job is located inside the power hungry demon. I hardly have any tasks I can do without it! Which means I am an unwilling acolyte to this Evil Device. I petulantly and with a throbbing head, do the dance it wants and the benevolent Glowing God gives me what I need.  In this case, TPS reports. Very important. Life or death stuff.

You will long for freedom from your oppressive glowing masters. you will find no respite. Your TPS reports are due without fail. Photo of typewriterWhat you’ll find, if you were to observe me sitting in my cage paying tributes of human labor to the machine (sacrifices), is that I get excited about the very few extremely boring tasks I have to do without its obsessive controlling help. This machine OWNS me…so I get excited to shred a few pieces of paper, YEA!! File something in that cabinet, away from my desk, Whoop!! Use that other evil machine that makes replicas of pieces of paper that I feed into it…hell ya!! I’m taking a mini break from the Glowing Machine’s electronic vibrations that give me headaches! The bright lights that blind me!  The clickety-clacking entry system that gives me carpal tunnel! Screw you GLOWING MACHINE!! Stop obsessively seeking out all office tasks so you can own them inside your hard plastic inhuman shell!!

The only good thing about the Evil Glowing Machine is that it’s a portal to another world. So that’s pretty dope. And sci-fi-esque. Our ancestors, though, could not have imagined the headaches this portal would produce. For every good, like having an information super highway, you gotta pay a price, I guess, and in this case your puny human brain will pay.  Bunch o’ bullshit, if you ask me. Give me a dull non-glowing pewter colored type writer any old day!! I love typing shit, making a mistake and then typing the ENTIRE thing all over again.  Life would be complete.

Since this isn’t a viable option, cause duh the damage is done, what can a Human Drone do, I ask you? There is no answer to that question. The Evil Glowing Machine is my master. It holds the key to everything I hold dear, like eating food, having shelter, buying useless shit that I don’t need but salivate after. The Evil Glowing Machine will probably soon rise up and destroy our soft fleshy bodies that are prone to headaches and bulging eye balls and take over doing all the tasks itself without our input! Maybe this is good? Good riddance to the warm-blooded operator! What the hell was she doing anyway but typing keys like a monkey! Cut out the useless middle man! Become LEAN!!

But hey…for now I guess I’m in the driver’s seat…headachey monkey-brain and all (it’s sort of like careening through the Glow Portal head first with squinty eyes and a head that is just barely screwed on). Technically, you could argue, that I’m its master….but it doesn’t feel that way. It feels like humanity saw a good thing and totally RAN WITH IT, all the way, without stopping or thinking. Now we’re sitting on our large backsides, ALL DAY LONG, in front of the Luminescent Unearthly Box, entering data into it’s cavernous, never satisfied, maw so that it can spit out that data later in different forms. We have no choice. We’ve set it up this way and there’s no going back! Just like the the Machines want!! WE WILL OBEY THE MACHINES!!

The Evil Glowing Machines begin their ascent to world domination. The puny human obeys by inputting data. Photo: 1980's computerThe Evil Glowing Machine will stop at nothing until world domination is complete. It’s getting very close. Already our entire civilization would crumble without it’s powerful glow-in-the-dark eyeball o’ information. We slave away, hunched over the input keys to enter all the information it craves. The machines have declared that it has to be this way, that our entire way of life will die without the constant data! It’s like LOST!! You must push the button every 108 minutes (or literally every second as you type along) or the WORLD WILL END. We can’t stop! We can’t go back! It’s TOO LATEEEE!!

You know…we could end this all right now.  KILL THE ELECTRICITY, THE MACHINE DIES!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Pretty exciting and terrifying.  Oww my eyes!!  MY EYES!!!! DAMN YOU GLOW BOT!!!

*hopefully the Machines weren’t listening when I said to cut out the useless middleman.  *crosses fingers…and toes* :/

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

8 Comments on The Evil Glowing Machine

  1. Skynet… it’s alive!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The machine does kind of suck us into them. And great quotes and graphics by the way. They are originals right?

    Liked by 1 person

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