Sarcasm Central

Forget the Lifetime Failure Tally: Look Ahead

Lifetime Failure Tally: Just one more disappointment and I'll officially be a failure!I’ve now officially (you heard it here) been informed, through an article online that I cannot find again (did it really exist??) that I should be looking toward the future and not at the past. Mr. VS also recently told me that millionaires and highly successful people refuse to see failure and instead are always looking at the positive.  If you know me, you’ll know that the idea of looking toward the positive just about kills me. I’m not exaggerating. The idea makes me gasp in agony and almost stops the beating of my black black heart. (I can’t, I can’t accept that idea! NOOO!!!! *Graphically, I’m picturing the agonies of the wicked Queen in Disney’s Snow White when she finds out she’s not the fairest in the land.* NOOO!!!!  I WILL NEVER BE POSITIVE!! I will be the most negative in the land!!!)

This is probably because I have the enviable super power of seeing the glorious negative aspects of everything and simply telling me to look at the positive is never going to work. It will fail…catastrophically. Both due to the above mentioned super power and because I just don’t like to do what I’m told. Don’t tell me what to dooooo!!! I’m contrary, much like Bitey my cat who I always complain about.  Contrary begets contrary apparently.

However, this other article, the one who refuses to be googled into submission, told me that I’ll feel better if I look at the future rather than ruminating uselessly on the failures of the past. This sounds better to me. This I can just about put my pessimistic arms around it into some kind of lukewarm hug, like you’d give your ancient mothball reeking Auntie Mildred. It seems awkward and weird at first, smells kinda off,  but oh…hmmm…it’s kind of nice and cushy and warm. Okay.  Maybe. The future sounds better than…looking toward the positive.  It reeks less of that horrible optimism or at least it’s less obvious about it. (HA! It’s the SAME THING! AHAHA)

When I look back on my life I see that I have perpetually been focused on the past, as if the past actually matters!! (AS IF!!) I often find myself obsessing over how things went, what happened, how I failed, how THIS bad thing happened to ME…and how THAT bad thing happened to ME.  I keep adding up the bad things, tallying them in some kind of mental chart that at some point will surely prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a perfect failure. (Seriously…bad things were happening to GOOD People!!) What I want to know is…is there a book somewhere or a chart that details when exactly you become a failure?  OR…OR..is this something you decide for yourself within your obsessing and unhappiness and your decision becomes reality? If so…who the hell wants to make that kind of decision about themselves based on some imaginary revisionist-history tally sheet? Looking at it that way…you’d have to be crazy to do that to yourself. So… reading this article made me realize how true this is and how bad it is for me.

I've got this detailed chart that proves once and for all that I'm a huge failure. Photo of girlSo now I’m all like…What the hell? Why? Why would you look at the past at all, as if the things that happened to you then have any real bearing on what could happen! Why does that old past matter?  It already happened! That shit is OLD news!  It only lives in my memory! Why use the past to beat myself up? As long as I don’t let it stop me from trying, isn’t it pretty useless to obsess over what happened back then until I feel like hell about myself? And the worst part is that a lot of what I obsess over is what I assume happened because in a lot of cases I don’t really know why I received a rejection or why my hopes may have been dashed. I always assume it’s because I suck at life. But…what if there are other reasons? What if I just stop obsessing over it altogether??

And…ANDDD the best part about looking toward the future: every new moment is another chance to make something of yourself! You’ve got like a million chances sitting right in front of you!!

Ta-da!!!

See….all this new perspective matters because I had previously started writing a highly sarcastic blog post entitled (scathingly): Bad Luck? Where? The Cards Keep Coming up Aces!

It occurred to me after reading the above elusive article (I probably made it up) that I can’t even write that blog post anymore because BAD LUCK presupposes that the past matters and that keeping tallies of all the BAD things that have happened to you will somehow add up to something that looks a lot like BAD LUCK. Can this possibly be true? Who’s keeping track? Where is this asshole who’s doing this math! (*grabs own neck, strangles) Answer me this smarty pants: Is there some master spreadsheet out there for everyone’s life!? IS THERE?! Is there some big ole teacher in the sky who is grading you on your failures or comparing them to everyone else’s failures? YOU FAIL AT A D-LEVEL, YOU FAIL AT A C-LEVEL. YOU ARE THE BIGGEST FAILURE ON PLANET EARTH, I WOULD KNOW I’VE BEEN WATCHING! LOSER!!

Here’s two of my favorite quotes from that will-never-see-the-light-of-day post:

“A lot of people online will say, if you work hard, good things will come your way. That’s easy for some jerk to say who frequently has good things come his way due to what he assumes is his “hard work.”  He’s probably never had a string of happy smiling rejections holding hands throughout the years. So jerky-pants, what about those of us who work hard and yet, still shit is attracted to us?  What are we doing wrong?”

Years of Data suggests our next venture will fail spectacularly. Let's synchronize our watches now to save time.“Time and time again, I could set my clock by rejections and bad luck. I can basically make an assumption based on years of research and DATA on how things will turn out, and they will turn out, just that way!”

See the rejection and disappointment paper dolls all holding hands! See my assumptions about the past and the future! Those damn assumptions!! Those creepy little blank-faced dolls holding hands so patiently! And I was intent on counting each and every rejection doll! How many would actually mean that I should give up, curl up and die? HOW MANY?! Because why count them unless it means something? Well, I’ve had 37 failures or disappointments and so clearly that means that I’m done.  No! NO!! Will 38 break me?  NO!

Sometimes I really do think this way:

“This is the last disappointment I can stand. I can’t stand EVEN ONE MORE OR I WILL GIVE UP FOREVER!!”

It’s like a threat to…someone? Who? YOU HEAR ME GOD!! WHY I OUTTA!!! And yeah, in the moment it feels sort of good to wallow in self pity and utter despair. But in reality, no matter what happens, I keep trucking. I keep moving forward and trying again and again despite all the shit that I get in return. I am definitely getting used to failure and set backs and it’s making me STRONGER!! RAWWWWW!!! COME AT ME BRO!!!

So…perhaps it is better to look toward the future and act as if everything that happened in the past is moot. That way you’ve always got important exciting things to look forward to and your past failures or mistakes don’t matter! Don’t let that shit cloud your mind with doubt!  Why dwell on it! I really like this idea…I’m totally going to ignore the past completely. It’s all about the future baby! BRING IT ON!! HERE I COME!!! LOOK OUT BELOW!!!

OH LOOKIE…I found the article. See it does it exist!!  Trying to Learn from Your Mistakes is a Big Mistake

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About Victoria Sawyer (282 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

1 Comment on Forget the Lifetime Failure Tally: Look Ahead

  1. Those first two paragraphs described my feelings to a T. No telling me to be positive. In fact, doing that makes me even more bitter and does the opposite. Negative bitters unite!

    Liked by 1 person

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  1. Preplanning for Disappointment with Defensive Pessimism – Angst Anarchy

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