Sarcasm Central

Insta-Replay for Bloggers, Writers and Artists

she's typing her way into the end zone. Look at that amazing sentence! Wow! Instant Replay Gold!!I was watching the news this morning and they were doing a recap of high school football and they kept showing instant replays of all the amazing catches and long runs that the high school students were doing at their foose-ball games. There were even hometown heros and VIP’s and whatnot.  I thought to myself…it must be pretty snazzy to have your big moment on film like that and be able to replay it whenever you want, plus they replay your big moment on the local news like you’re some kind of hotshot or something. Hmmm…

Of course this got me to thinking about how unfair it is that sports are all over the freaking TV in the morning but there’s no regularly scheduled segment about other kinds of accomplishments.  You have to become a special interest news story in order to be featured for any artistic accomplishment. What I want is a blogger or writer or artist instant replay. Imagine how exciting it would be!

Here she goes, typing away, ideas just flowing out of that big gorgeous head of hers. Wow!  Did you ever see words fly onto a page so fast in your life?!  Watch those fingers fly! The ideas are genius, thoughts are forming, sentences are coming together into a coherent piece of brilliant mastery. Wait…wait…now here’s her big moment. She’s deleting that word, she’s inserting a few lines there, a joke here, deleting two spaces, adding the final closing statement, tying that shit up in a nice little bow. Holy shit, look at it! LOOK AT IT!! It’s genius! …OMG…wait for it…wait for it…She’s about to hit publish!! There! She’s done it!! That shit is published! THE CROWD CHEERS!!! WHOOOOO!!!!!

Seriously though, where’s the insta-replay whenever I do something especially cool or inventive? When I’m working on graphic design, there’s no video evidence of that one fateful line or color change that I made at the last minute that really made the design sing. There’s no insta-replay when you’re creating anything artistic at all. There are NO CROWDS CHEERING!! WHAT GIVES!!Gah! Curses!

People must think that this genius comes out all on its own and doesn’t need to be documented like the runs, tackles and catches of the fooseball players! No! People there was a moment of genius and it deserved to be captured as it happened!! There was a moment when I caught the winning sentence and ran that shit into the end zone for the touchdown and then I did a sweet little dance, but you didn’t see that because there was no insta-reply. Your loss. Then there was another time when I blocked that shitty sentence from getting into the goal. That was pretty big for me. What a moment of GENIUS AND GLORY!! ALL CAUGHT ON CAMERA FOR ALL ETERNITY!! (NOT!!!)

Artistic types are starving for attention in YOUR community! The system is rigged! Apparently, you’ve gotta do something physically impressive to be noticed out there. I even find myself jealous of the YouTube Vloggers. Apparently just because they create a video of their faces and talk as if they’re having a conversation with everyone through the camera, they’re cooler than a blogger?!?! Wha…WHAT??  Just because video is somehow an exciting in-your-face medium, it’s more valued? WHATEVER!! I call bullshit on that because it’s a lot harder to write like you’re having a conversation than it is to just turn on a camera and have a conversation with invisible people who you assume are laughing and enjoying what you’re doing.

It's a Cinderella story! The photographer's about to take the shot! Whoop! What was that? A flag on the play? Was it a foul? Taunting? Oh too bad! Instant Replay GoldDo you know how long it takes to write a blog post? To actually be interesting in words? It’s hella-hard!! It’s nearly impossible and we bloggers often fail to capture attention because apparently writing is an art form that must be absolutely perfect or else all the judgmental people out there who’ve never written 2 damn words on a page will get pissy. It’s nothing like slapping a video together of you talking to your cat and getting a million bored views or you and your family doing wacky hijinks that no one cares about except a million people actually watched it.  Bogus.

To blog, you have to actually write words onto a page in a coherent way that people can read, understand and perhaps even enjoy.  You actually have to ORGANIZE YOUR THOUGHTS, Mo’Fo’! You actually have to make SENSE, you PUTZ!! You actually have to know the English language, bitches! You may need to even know something about sentence structure and spelling, you lousy, I outta..!! You can’t rely on your good looks and quirky voice and cutesy face! You can’t rely on your amazing throwing, kicking, running or tackling skills either. It’s just you and the WORDS, not goals or touchdowns or baskets or holes-in-one. Try sitting down with just some words, athletic YouTube punks!  And see what you come up with then!! I DARE YA!!

Too bad most people are illiterate and have amazingly short attention spans. We bloggers are behind already! GAH!!

I’m feeling like we’re under-appreciated and unloved. Hrmph!

When I finish up this post, I’mma throw a sweet sentence into the end zone, just you wait and see! Insta-Replay that Mother-fuckahs!!!! GLORY WILL BE MINE!!!! VIP BLOGGER!!! HOME-TOWN HERO!!

I’d love it best if someone threw a flag on the blog play and I got thrown out of the game and they kept insta-replaying that amazingness. MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE NFL REFS!! Throw that DAMN FLAG!! FOOSEBALL!!

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

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