Sarcasm Central

Stuck in a Style Year

Stuck in 1995: I certainly wasn't going to be caught dead in high waisted stone washed jean shorts. As you age, you may at some point notice that you are stuck in a style year.  It’ll creep up on you until suddenly you put the puzzle pieces together and realize with a moment of sheer embarrassed terror that you, who are of course, forever young, are officially stuck in a style year of your youth!! EEK!! What exactly does this terrible news mean?  It means that you are still buying the same styles that you wore in your glory days.  You are no longer keeping up with the style times!! THE HORRORS!!! The biggest horror of all is that you actually have “glory days.” AHHH!!!!

This recently occurred to me in all its hideous and ugly truth. I always thought that I was relatively up with the times and fashionable! I thought that rejecting certain styles was normal.  No one jumps on all the style trends all the time! But then it started to encompass more than one trend at a time. I wasn’t wearing skinny jeans, I wasn’t wearing leggings and extra short tunics, I wasn’t wearing equestrian boots with every outfit.  I certainly wasn’t going to be caught dead wearing the stone-washed high-waisted jean-shorts that I saw the youth sporting like it was 1987! (*shudder* Look at all those hypens! That alone tells you it’s wrong! Too many modifiers!!) That style DIED a fiery death for a REASON in the 1980’s! Let it stay peaceful in its grave! Stop waking the DEAD!

In fact, the styles of the youth began to look comical to me and I could see how they were derived from the styles of yore! The olden days! Their “new” styles were the great-great bastard grandchildren of the 1980’s! AHAHA: The 80’s called, they want their style back! And I was blinded enough to believe that I was superior. I was the wise one, looking down upon the unlearned ones. Look at those silly kids, they don’t even know how people rocked that terrible shit back in the 80’s! It’s so uncool!!

so what if I'm still dressing like it's 1885. I look hot! Photo of lady from 1800'sThen I began to notice that I was looking for specific styles at the store and sometimes these styles were very hard to find. Low slung, boot cut jeans? What’s that? Flares? Grungy flannels? Clunky shoes? I also noticed that there were certain styles that I had adopted wholesale, for YEARS!! For examples, a scarf on every winter neck. Turtlenecks, which I had previously shunned with all my being as “mom clothes” were now under everything. Oversized granny cardigans with no buttons are par for the course!! The same Dansko shoes, EVERY DAMN DAY OF THE YEAR!! My wardrobe, more and more, was beginning to resemble the fashion of the late 90’s and early 00’s or some kind of freezing old person.

I had tricked myself into believing that this had only been going on for a year or two, but the truth was much darker. I was officially stuck in a style year.  Those damn bootcut corduroys gave me away! DAMMIT!!

What? What the hell is wrong with that? Those styles just fit my body best! I can’t even wear a skinny jean! It looks horrible!! So you can’t claim it’s because I’m old and stuck in my glory days!! I don’t lust after fashions that were popular 20 years ago! I’m NOT EVEN OLD ENOUGH FOR THAT.

Wait…when was 1995?

I mean…at least I’m dressed, right?

Sweet sweet lord, what the hell is happening?! Sweet mary mother of…how old am I?!?! When did I turn around and this horror happened to me? I swore up and down, I’d never grow old, I’d never be that lady stuck wearing clothing styles from years in the past. I’m not like the old lady who still wears a power blue polyester leisure suit from the 1970’s in the present day!!! I’m not like the little old blue haired granny still getting a beehive hairdo well past its expiration! I’m certainly not secretly wishing that body suits were available for purchase! I will not let my age be apparent due to the stylistic choices I make! I will continue to look young and hip and cool, always!!

Saying “hip” is still hip, right?

But…now that I think about it, I’d also prefer not to look like an old lady in teeny-bopper clothes (what the hell is that?? and does it make me look old to use that term?). You know that lady!! This is how the kids describe her: She wears all the latest styles, still trying to fit in all these years later! She looks like a 55 year old Taylor Swift! The clothes are cool, but the wrinkles…not so much. And it’s CLEAR, oh so clear, that she’s used up and silly!! Shouldn’t she just ACT her damn age!  And dress her damn age!  GAH!! How embarrassing!! She won’t accept that YEARS have passed and she’s no longer even relevant! SHE SHOULDN’T BE WEARING THAT THONG!!

I don’t want the kids saying that about me…do I?!

Is this what’s happening to me? Am I no longer relevant? Do my stylistic choices even matter at this stage? Well, I think it’s important for me to remember that all the people who were alive in 1995 will still find me stylish and there’s a lot of people who were alive back then. There are people who still revere the 1990’s. There ARE!! I’m telling you!!

Have I soothed myself?  Am I sufficiently coddled in my turtle neck and scarf to believe that all is well?

Hush little baby….

I just don’t know! How can I make fun of the youngsters in their 1980’s throwback clothing when I’m wearing 1999 duds in 2015? (Really, duds? That’s your word choice.  GAH!!!)  It’s just that those youngsters have no idea WHY that style is horrible! They think it’s brand new! They didn’t live through it, so they can’t rightly know what’s cool or not from the past, right? Right? They can’t know that high-waisted stone-washed denim is the dorkiest of the dorky! Just look at it!!! But shouldn’t they know that fanny packs will never, ever be cool? Isn’t that patently obvious?

Dammit, validate me!! I’m preachin’ here!

Bottom line, I really can’t break away from what’s been going on for generations and will go on for generations to come.  We all age, we all slowly fall out of style and look back with rose-tinted glasses at our “glory days.” You youngsters, (what am I 80?) will soon learn what it means to get old. I’m just learning it now and it’s horrible.  I’m coping as best I can! So what if it’s with comfy bulky granny sweaters!? They’re comfortable!! It’s an ADULT BLANKIE!!!

You little smartass…..

You’ll learn it too!!! You won’t be FOREVER YOUNG!! HEED MY WORDS!! MWAHAHAHA!!!  It happens to us all!! Our necks become cold and wrinkly and need coverings!! Our feet can no longer inhabit heels and cute shoes everyday. Our threshold or tolerance for pain is diminished.  We will no longer put up with silly bullshit or tolerate fools or pinched toes!

We all end up looking back on our youth and wishing for the carefree feel of those days with the clothing we wear! (Yes “low-cut flares” make me think of those wonderful days of my youth as soon as my legs inhabit the sweet sweet cut of the cloth! The nostalgia of pulling up pants that will pull up no more and barely cover what they’re meant to cover! I long for those days!! Wait… where did those love handles come from?!!) and yes, it’s natural to shun the youth and secretly call their styles ridiculous.  WHAT ARE THESE KIDS DOING THESE DAYS!!?!! In my day that look was cool for 2 seconds but then it became ridiculed!  And rightly SO!! How do they not know that!!! To wear that style now is to look, well, ridiculous!

This is just getting way too weird now. I’m rather disgusted by the whole thing. Fine, I’m old.  OKAY?! And out of touch and silly and not stylish and the youth are smart and with it and their style choices are estimable. You’ve beaten me down! OKAY?!

We’re done here. Brrrrr. I need to put on a sweater. It’s cold and I need comfort to accept that I’m stuck in a style year…

I’m just gonna log this under: Old People Problems

However, I still maintain that styles from the 1980’s should lie peaceful in their graves. GRAVE ROBBERS!! Desecration! Ressurectionists!!

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About Victoria Sawyer (281 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

8 Comments on Stuck in a Style Year

  1. Yes, exactly. I think at some point we all kinda stop trying to do new every single year and just go with what we got. Though it seems like no one can really do the new all the time unless they are a Kardashian who can afford everything.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My eldest daughter is 15. This does not seem possible. Just like I refuse to believe the 1990s were more than ten years ago. I don’t think I ever imagined being – gasp – almost 40. WTF happened? I fell asleep at like 24 and then bam, I’m here. And NO clothes fit, hipster or stupid or not. But it’s not just US. They don’t fit the kids either. My daughter has one of the best tiny figures on the planet and skinny jeans don’t fit her. What are these things – anorexia jeans? I don’t get it – at all. Not only can I not find clothes for me, I can’t find them for my children. Bad fashion, bad bad bad.

    Also yesterday I looked up in one of those mirrors that show you from top to bottom and I looked like my Mom. Not my mom younger, my mom RIGHT NOW. I wanted to run in terror. Thank you for writing about this extremely important topic.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m happy to put out PSA’S as they’re needed. I agree, I think I’ve been in some kind of cryo-sleep for ten years. Suddenly I’m. ..old? What the? ?? I agree, skinny jeans are a crime against young and old. They don’t descriminate.

      Like

  3. I don’t age. I have a portrait that does it for me.

    Liked by 1 person

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