Sarcasm Central

Blog Found Abandoned, Starving, Owner Wanted for Questioning By Local Authorities

Press – Monday April 18, 2016. A local online blog has been found abandoned, starving and alone, left to die by its layabout disreputable owner. Said blog, Angst Anarchy, had been found abandoned by its owner Victoria Sawyer well over a week ago. Sawyer is now wanted for questioning by local authorities with charges of Blogicide and Blogslaughter pending.

The blog, when found by authorities, had been left to languish for more than a month. Suffering from the inattention of its owner, it had not seen any loving care or attention, nor even a word written upon its pages, a post published, or a draft post edited.  The blog, when found mumbling and crying, was mute and unable to speak for itself, starving for attention, its pages unkempt featuring old dates, no likes and less traffic than the worst pages on the web.

When finally found for questioning, shut inside her home this past Sunday afternoon, Victoria, mumbling about obsessions and claims of being too busy, had this to say in excuse for her sorry and despicable behavior, “I haven’t abandoned this blog! I was coming right back. I had every intention to just take a quick trip around the block, buy some food, gain some inspiration and come right back. I swear it! I can’t help it if I got caught up in other shit while I was away and the blog floundered. My blog is pathetic if it can’t forage around for food for thought on its own while I’m away! Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here? GAH!! I don’t have time for this shit right now! Get your microphones out of my face!”

Later Sawyer attempted and failed to excuse her behavior, “I’ve been really busy with volunteering in my community and obsessing over my career. I’ve been interviewing like a madwoman! I went on vacation too!” When asked for further comment, Sawyer incriminated herself saying, “I’m sorry! I can’t be responsible for this blog’s welfare at all times! It’s all I can do to feed my damn self.” When threatened to have the blog taken away and put into Foster-blog hands, a defiant Sawyer responded, “Fine, take my blog away, fine, fine!! See if I care! I’ll just start a new one, see if I don’t!”

And later, when pressed by authorities for more information she became belligerent, shouting,”And who the hell are these local authorities anyway?! It’s a blog for chrissy’s sake! Not some puppy or child! How dare you judge me! Who the hell are you anyway! Back OFF ME BASTARDS!”

Sawyer was shortly thereafter taken away in chains. She is now being held at AOL prison, a sorry, dilapidated and unfrequented place in the lonely back alleys of the interwebs, on 1 Million dollars cash bail.  A hearing will be held this week to determine Sawyer’s future as a blogger. At this current junction, it’s not looking good for Sawyer’s future prospects as owner of Angst Anarchy. Well wishers of Sawyer, may leave a comment on this post in the hopes that this sad sorry blogger will rally herself and attempt to post more regularly in the coming weeks. If she’s lucky, Sawyer may be remanded to DOS Penitentiary for the Criminally Insane by the Interwebs State and allowed to prove herself. Probation may follow if Sawyer is found to have good behavior. All in all, it will take Sawyer some time to crawl back from this state of affairs into the good graces of Bloggerdom.

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About Victoria Sawyer (281 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

2 Comments on Blog Found Abandoned, Starving, Owner Wanted for Questioning By Local Authorities

  1. I’d like to know who told the authorities? Did the blog police come and cart you away or were you visited by BSS (Blog Social Services)? I could see if you buried your blog alive in the backyard with some of your lost and broken dreams, or left it in the hot car with the windows not rolled down, but for taking a short break! That’s crazy! If you ever get in this pickle again, please contact me and I’ll give you some really bad legal advice to get you out of blog jail.

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    • Thanks for the offer of rescue! I was tossed in solitary a few weeks ago. Bad behavior and still haven’t been blogging enough for the “authorities.” I think there’s a snitch out there, otherwise I’m not sure who called the authorities on me. It’s true, I didn’t do any of those horrific crimes, but they still nabbed me. Falsely accused? Possibly not, I am guilty. Serial neglect. Bummer.

      Like

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