Sarcasm Central

As the Earth Tilts…on its Evil Axis

It’s that time of year again when the earth tries to screw those of us in the northern hemisphere by tilting itself away from the beautiful rays of the benevolent sun.

Yes, ladies and gentleman, the hours of day light are getting shorter and we’re getting a hell of a lot colder, fast. Damn you earth’s axis! THE AXIS OF EVIL!!

Those peeps living in the Southern hemisphere are loving all our suffering as it means they are basking in the hot rays of the sun. Apparently we’re asked to take turns here on planet earth and everyone knows that we don’t like taking turns. Humanity is a 2 year old. The sun is MINE!

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This also means that along with freezing in our homes under blankets and refusing to do shit after work because we think its already bed time, we are now under the negative influence of the artificial lights. And don’t get me STARTED on the damn time change…I’m passionately in hate with changing clocks back!!!

I’ve been learning a bit more about humanity and in particular the artificial lights by watching a show that Netflix said I would like and Netflix is typically right since they spy big-brother-style on all my viewing preferences. This show is called How We Got To Now. It’s about some of the biggest changes in human history that were set in motion by people whose names have been lost to history.

For example, so far I’ve learned about how we cleaned up our act by putting poop in underground pipes instead of letting it run freely down the sidewalks of our cities. Pretty danged smart if you ask me! INNOVATION!! SCIENCE!

I also learned how people in the past didn’t get the idea that you couldn’t put your bodily waste products directly into your drinking water supply. Mr. VS says they must have thought dilution was the solution, but nope….no…that didn’t work out. I guess they didn’t know that the mixing of the two is considered highly rude to our digestive systems and bodies in general. (How dare you!) The end results of doing so are very very nasty, like bacteria bugs proliferating in your gut until they straight up murder you. Nasty and yet…educational.

In addition to this fun stuff (which is amazing that we just came up with most of this stuff within 200 years), I also learned about glass and now about artificial light. Did you know that in the past we murdered a shit ton of whales so we could use their oils to light our homes? And now the whales get to live and play in the ocean because we no longer covet their oils. We’ve got ELECTRICITY now, thanks to your friends, the squashed dinosaurs, otherwise known of as Fossil Fuels. Which may or may not be murdering all of us in the nearish future.

ANYWAY, see how I digress?! What I’m really talking about here is the Earth’s Axis and how it’s now screwing us in the north. Summer is over people. Let it go. Fall is here for 2.5 seconds and then very soon it’ll be winter with the snow and possible death temps.

I personally live in a very inhospitable climate and I have no idea why I live here. My climate tries to do away with me constantly during the winter months. I am battered with snow storms, hurricanes, high winds, ice and freezing temps for what I would call a good 2/3rds of the year. I’m not even exaggerating, except maybe a little with the 2/3rds part. The death, destruction and inhospitable climates is 100% real you guys, I am not making this shit up like some kind of sci-fi movie. I legit live somewhere that could kill me with ease and I live here along with a boatload of other obviously crazy individuals.

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But I digress again, what I meant to write about is the fact that artificial light basically screws us. We invented this great thing cause apparently we didn’t want to go to bed in the winter at 4:30 pm. We wanted to read a book, use our spinning wheel, or knit some socks or something so we had to have light other than some feeble candlelight that was causing us to go straight up blind.

The problem with bright light is that it screws up all our sleeping schedules and internal body clocks. Now we stay up way past the last rays of the sun and then we get up before the sun has risen as well to annoyingly hateful blaring alarm clocks.

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I personally find this to be bullshit as I love sleep and find that I’m not a morning person, nor an alarm clock enthusiast *shakes fist at alarm clock enthusiast, those crazy mo’fo’s*.

Waking up before the sun is bullshit. However, staying up past 4:30 is pretty sweet. See, I want my cake and eat it too, or I want my light but I want my sleep.

Anyway, all of this leads to some kind of horrible nightmarish dystopian industrial revolution (IR). Guys, I know you’ll find it hard to believe, but that shit happened like less than 200 years ago.

That’s when humanity got all the mass-produced bullshit it could ever possibly want. That’s how fast things went to hell.

With the new artificial light, How We Got to Now, tells me that we could now set up 2nd and 3rd shifts at the factories which meant even more production. That’s how you can get your brand new iPhone fast!

I think the artificial light may have screwed us. The problem too is that when I watch a show like this…I find that I’m supposed to feel uplifted and amazed by how cool and inventive humanity is and LOOK at how far we’ve come and so fast too! WOOHOOOO we’re not apes anymore!!!

And in some ways, yes, I guess I’m impressed with our derring-do and go-getter attitude. However, I’m a bit disappointed by all the bullshit we’ve created too. Did we really need mass-produced everything that we immediately throw in the trash? Did we really need to work ourselves to death in factories on 2nd and 3rd shift so that some asshole could have their iPhone that much faster?

Is nothing sacred you guys?

Is there really anything we have that is worth that huge change in how humans work? I feel like the fast-paced aspect of our lives is to blame on artificial light, among other technological inventions of the industrial revolution. So really, is the industrial revolution that great other than the poop/drinking water breakthrough? It basically enslaved us and also set us free at the same time. Not sure how I feel about that.

I mean don’t get me wrong…not drinking poo is pretty cool.

Okay, I’ll try to spell it out anyway…Whenever I think about the IR I get depressed because all I imagine is little robot humans waking up to annoying alarm clocks, trudging off to work in a factory for ungodly hours while black smog and smoke blot out the sun.

The IR depresses the hell out of me.

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I guess, don’t get me wrong, there are many wonderful innovations that have come from this time in human history, but there are also huge huge changes that are now pretty permanent that are not so positive. Our entire way of life is shaped by that time period and there’s really no going back now, which may be our downfall.

My personal downfall is working 9-5, five days a week. Who said that every job is that many hours??? WHO? But I guess it’s better than the IR version of working 12-hour-days-EVERY-DAY-of-the-week with maybe a half day off on Sunday in a factory that burns to the ground, trapping you inside without fire alarms or fire escapes. Now that would be BULLSHIT. Thanks IR!

And on that depressing note, I leave you to enjoy myself some artificial light as I search for mass-produced plastic bullshit to purchase on my iPad to somehow make my sad sad little life somehow worth living.

Naw…I’m gonna go get drunk like the good old boys from the middle ages. Pre-Industrial Revolution Style with a side of bubonic plague! Later Industrial Revolution loving worshiping suckers! You sick sick bastards!

Truth…I might go use my spinning wheel. 

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

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